||[Oct. 13th, 2005|07:56 am]
so i am so confused about my love life right now. i dont even know how to start. i know the game all too well. i know how to make someone think that i am madly deeply in love with them but not have one bit of my heart in it. i have a guard over my heart so where as no one can get close and everything is nothing but fun to me. i have held onto this for about 2-3 years and i was doing great until i let it down for her. i cant even tell you why. but i believe that eyes are windows to a persons soul, if you look into someones eyes you can feel what they feel, see what they see. and when i look in her eyes i feel like she is the only thing that matters to me. i feel butterflies and shivers...all the gushy stuff. and this is where i managed to fuck it up. i dont want to feel this way. this is me being vulnerable, which leads to the stupidity and the pain that comes along with it. i hate feeling like someone can get to me. like someone can hurt me and just completely break me down. then comes the part that you would go to the end of the earth for that person and they take advantage of it and you get a really large kick in the ass. so the feelings that i have for her scare me...they petrify(sp)me. and then part of me thinks that i should back off and just put my guard back up and make it fun like i always do. but then i think of her smile and i get all that damn gushy stuff. but the real question that is bothering me the most is...how does she REALLY feel about me? there are so many people saying shit that i dont know what to believe anymore. i want to believe her but she might be as good as i am, you know you cant play a playa unless you steal their heart. i did believe her and i did trust her but with yesterday i just dont know what to do. i mean she apologized and said that she didnt mean anything that she said. but how true is that? how dont i know that she just felt bad and thought that it would ruin dennys...or...well thats all i got. i just dont know. the only thing that i know is i do love her...i dont know why...except for the way that she makes me feel. and if i get my heart broken then fuck it, my fault, should have known better.|
and the sex thing, hmm...i really dont have much to say about that, except that i want to do it. but i dont want everything to be just about that. and it will be. because thats how it is.